The Van That Shall Not Be Named

Excerpt from My funny Bone Has No Wenus


My sisters, our mom and I go to Niagara Falls every year, usually the first weekend in April. Brother Bob stays home, which he prefers because growing up with seven sisters wasn’t easy. We call ourselves The Sic Lid Sistas (a story for another day) and usually start emailing each other a couple months ahead to remind each other when the weekend is and what the itinerary is. Often jokes abound -- surprisingly I’m not always at the brunt of them. Well one year we decided to rent a van so we could all go together in one vehicle; we figured it would be more fun that way. We had such a wonderful time; and till this day we all go in one vehicle. We rented the Entourage (Hyundai.) My sister Debbie who coordinates the weekend and is the designated driver, sent us the specs on the vehicle. Needless to say, while reading the specs, my brain kicked into high gear and this was the outcome.


Hey Sistas


I checked over the specs for the Entourage as you suggested, and it looks like a nice vehicle for our annual Sistas weekend away. However, I have some concerns about a couple of the specifications and would like to point them out to you, before we leave for the weekend.


Safety Features:


Front Active Head Restraints

So, is this going to be going on while Debbie is driving? Isn’t it going to be distracting and how is she going to look behind her to back up if her head is in a restraint?


Brakes - Front Ventilated Power - assisted Discs, Brakes - Rear Solid Discs.

It’s a good thing that the discs in the back are solid, but I am a little concerned about the disc in the front needing assistance.


Child-seat Tether Anchor

On a good note; look Cindy you can bring your booster chair for your shotgun position. Keep in mind though you may have to help Deb with the driving, as her head will be in a restraint.


Remote Keyless Entry with Alarm

Do you think we could use ROFLMAO as our password?


Interior Features:

Conversation Mirror

What kind of things would a mirror have to talk about? And will we understand what it is saying. Like does it speak English or does it have its own language, or can you program it to speak whatever language you like.


Power Windows - Front Row, 2nd Row

Oh, good. In case the HVAC goes out during a bout of hot flashes. With Kandis, Wendy and I experiencing them it could get a little steamy in there.


Front: Multi Adjustable Captain Chairs w/ Seatback Pocket

If her head is in a restraint, I do not see the need for all this adjusting.


2nd Row: Multi Adjustable Captain Chairs w/ Seatback Trays, Slide-adjustable, Folding, Removable.

What the hell is a seat back tray and why do you need to adjust, slide, fold and or remove it? JUST LEAVE IT HOME with the Deaf Cat! (Story for another day)


3rd Row: 60/40 Split Hyundai Hideaway® w/ Seatback Shopping Hooks

Finally, something I can relate to; Shopping Hooks! The question is who gets the 60 and who gets the 40; I guess Mom will have to decide.


Steering Column with Tilt Feature

Again, people her head is in a restraint what difference does it make if the steering column tilts?


Exterior Features


Tinted Glass

Oh, look Kandis just in case you want to go topless again. With this feature, I might even join you this year. We would have to watch going over bumps though, not sure how we would explain the matching black eyes to the hotel clerk.


Power Adjustable, Heated, Body Colour Mirrors

Whose body do we choose or is it like a chameleon and changes colour depending on who is looking into it? Does this mirror talk with the "Conversation Mirror"? Are they going to have mirror conversation back and forth and are we going to be able to understand what they are saying? Oh, great it will be just like when I see foreign people on the bus, and they start talking in their own language and I just know they are talking about me.


Front Windshield 2-Speed w/ Variable Intermittent ENTOURAGE GL

The windshield has two speeds? Why in God's green earth does a windshield need two speeds and how in heck does that work, IT'S A WINDSHIELD PEOPLE! I'm really hoping its staying stationary while Debbie is driving, otherwise we should just rent golf carts and then I can drive us there.

Safety Features

Backup Warning Sensor

Oh goodie, this will come in handy since DEBBIE'S HEAD WILL BE IN A RESTRAINT!

Anti-pinch Sensor Power Rear Sliding Doors

How the H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS will a car know if let’s say Brenda pinches me or not. What if she does; will the door automatically slide open and an ominous voice will come out of nowhere and say, "Pinch your sister again and you will get booted to the curb." (Actually, mom and dad could have used this feature when we were kids.)


Air Filter

Oh, this is a good feature with Deb, Mom and I in the vehicle. The rest of you will need air filters incase the power windows don’t work. BRRUMPHHHH!!!


Restraint Systems-3-Point Outboard (2nd Row) Restraint Systems-3-Point Inboard (3rd Row)

OK Debbie where are you getting this vehicle from? Because now we are all in restraints and anyone sitting in the 2nd row will be restrained outside the vehicle. Where, to the roof racks? I don’t know what kind of a weekend you had in mind, but I’m just going for the gambling.


And last but not least…

Performance Features:


3.8L V6 DOHC Engine, 5-Speed Automatic Transmission with SHIFTRONIC™, Power Rack-and-Pinion Steering

Big deal, I had this much power with my last vibrator and it fit in my purse just fine thank you very much. The question is; “Will it have enough power to carry our heavy ASSets and all our crap to the top of Fonthill?”


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