“I’m Expecting A Call Do You Mind!”

Excerpt from My Funny Bone Has No Wenus

(Revised edition)

"I wrote this story when I worked at The Brick. I gave it to my manager to read. Afterward, she asked if it really happened. I told her of course not it was just creative writing. To this day, I don’t think she believes me."

Okay, so I got this new cell phone the other day. I know, I know, big deal. But wait, you’re going to want to hear me out. I haven’t found one of those holders that clip to your belt yet. So before I left the house this morning I stuck the phone in the front pocket of my pants. The pockets are deep so it fits with room to spare.

There I was, walking along North Park Street minding my own business, on the way to the Farmers Market when out of nowhere I hear Marvin Gaye belting out Sexual Healing. And then my pants started to vibrate. Just before I freaked out, I remembered that I downloaded the song as my ring tone, and I must have set it to vibrate by accident. By the time I got the phone out of my pocket, the person had hung up. But I didn’t really care, because a warm fuzzy sensation had started to congregate in my nether-region if you know what I mean.

I looked curiously at my phone for a minute and then the wheels in my brain started turning. I couldn’t return home to address my current condition because I had to get to the market. I had placed an order for deli meat with my favorite vendor. Sometimes, I get called into work at the last minute so we agreed that if I wasn’t there by 8:00 AM he could sell the order. The deli meat is for a picnic that I’m hosting tomorrow. As you know, the market is only opened on Saturdays. I had to go.

An idea quickly formed because I am creative like that. What if I could kill two birds with one stone? Get off and get to the market before 8:00.

I pride myself on being an efficient multitasker and saw no issue with testing my theory out. I quickly called a friend and told them I was having a problem with my new phone. I asked if they could call right back. They agreed that they could but it would be a couple of minutes. So I placed the phone back in my pocket and started to walk down the street. Three blocks later the phone rang. I didn’t answer it. I just smiled and giggled as Marvin Gaye serenaded me with his smooth vocals.

So then, I called another friend about my "faulty phone issue" and I giggled even more. But this time my steps faltered. At that moment an older couple walked by with their dog. I looked back at the sidewalk angrily like it had purposely tried to trip me. I said something clever to the couple like......actually I don't remember what I said to them. But it was clever because they nodded and laughed.

Let me tell you something; eight phone calls later, I was grinning from ear to ear like an idiot, and, I had made it downtown. However, after the last missed call, I was clutching the nearest lamppost for support, sitting, vicariously, on the brink of euphoria. This time, a pedestrian walked a wide berth around me and shook her head in disgust. I suppose she thought I was on drugs or something. I can't blamer her though. My body was twitching. I couldn't stop smiling and I was mumbling shit like, "Mmmhmm. Ya, that's it. Almost there. God damn, that feels goooood!" But I didn't care what she thought because I was enjoying myself, and, I was going to make it to the market on time. A win-win situation if there ever was one.

Just one more call and I would be good to go.

In anticipation of the next call, the wheels start turning again. I couldn’t call one of my girlfriends that just wouldn’t be right. So, I decided to call this guy I’ve been crushing on like forever. I think he feels the same way too but he's being coy about it. From what I can remember, this is how the conversation went.

‘Hey handsome," I mustered to say in a normal voice.

"Blah Blah," (this is him responding,) "Blah Blah Bl...."

"Sorry to interrupt you. But, I was wondering if you could help me with a little problem?" I hurriedly asked.

What? I didn't have time for small talk, precariously sitting, Market by 8:00 remember.

"Blah blah bl..."

"Great!" I said with too much exuberance because he asked if I was okay. "Oh, yes, yes. I'm just umm, on my way to the market. You know how I like to get there early before the crowds. Anywho..."

"Blah blah blah," he rudely interrupted.

"You want to meet me there?' I responded. "Sure, of course. But, but can you help me with this little problem first? Please!"

"Blah Blah Blah Blah ....Blah Blah" he responded. "Blah Blah Blah, ha ha ha (this is him chuckling mid-sentence), Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah......," He continued.

The more he talked the more heightened my sense became. Like he knew his deep baritone voice was having an effect on me. I quickly wondered if this was his version of foreplay. I didn’t have time for it, so I interrupted Chatty Charley again.

"Yes, that all sounds lovely, I’m looking forward to it. But I need you to help me with my problem first! Is that okay?"

He must have heard the agitation in my voice because he answered with one glorious word. "Blah."

"Wonderful!" I said. "I'm having issues with my new phone I need you to call me right back. Like right back!"

"Blah Blah Blah,"

"I know right. They can fly to outer space but they can't make a cell phone that works. I'm going to hang up now. Call me right back! Right-back!"

"Blah"

So I hung up the phone and shakily placed it in my pocket. It felt like my nerves were on fire. My sight glazed over in anticipation of what was to come. My body involuntarily started to twitch and rock back and forth. Someone was walking toward me but I didn’t care. Unfortunately, they stopped and asked if I needed assistance.

“No. I’m fine.” I responded rudely. I purposely didn’t look them in the eye, turned my back, and walked a few steps away.

Not one to give up easily they asked again.

I turned around and hysterically yelled, “I’M EXPECTING A CALL DO YOU MIND!” And then that's when I noticed the white-collar and realized the Good Samaritan was a priest. Not my proudest moment but it worked because he ran away in fright.

And then it happened folks. As good as his word the phone rang. And there I was, nine phone calls and a half-hour later, having an orgasm on the corner of King and Dalhousie in downtown Brantford. It was the best sex I had in months.

Once I composed myself I got to thinking. I can’t do this again. Eventually one of my friends is going to catch on. So, I thought some more and while the wheels turned I had an epiphany. My new phone has an alarm clock feature with extended vibrating capabilities. You know, for those really sound sleepers. So, as quick as my feet could carry me. I walked to the staircase by the library that leads to the parking garage. Conveniently, on the other side of the garage is the Farmers Market, and, it was only 7:30. The staircase is never used that early in the morning. I sat down on the bench that is located on a landing halfway down. I set my alarm to go off every three minutes with a one-minute interval in between, put the phone back in my pocket, and stretched out on the bench.

Well, let me tell you; four alarms and fifteen minutes later, I had another full-blown orgasm and was sexually satisfied for the week. And, I still had time to pick up my deli order. While I unsteadily walked the last few steps to the Market my phone rang again. This time I answered it. My manager was on the other end asking if I could come into work from 6:00 PM till 10 PM. I looked at my phone, smiled and

then I told her that I was having some personal issues and needed to figure it out. I put the phone back in my pocket and thought; giddy-up little cowboy because the Saturday Night Lonely Hearts Club just lost a member to a cell phone that vibrates.