Hot Stuff Coming Through

Excerpt from My Funny Bone Has No Wenus

This, unfortunately, is one of those stories that I did not have to expound on. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I think it also makes you wiser.

I went out for dinner and drinks last night with friends from work, to a little place called Sammy’s. I‘ve never been there before. I heard that it was small, not much to look at, but the food was exceptional. I didn’t realize that exceptional meant that Sammy’s is famous for its larger, more than you can possibly eat, truck stop portions.

One of the girls from my department had to work until seven too, so we told the rest of them that we would meet them there after work and to start without us. By the time we got there everyone was already sipping on their second drink and their appetizers were just arriving. We decided, after looking over the menu, that we would skip the appetizers and share a large plate of chili nachos. We were both starving and figured it would be no problem to polish a plate off between us. If there were leftovers, we could have our waiter doggy bag it for us.

After the waiter took our drink and food orders my friend asked him to add a side order of jalapeno peppers and extra sour cream to the order. Now keep in mind while you read this story that Sammy’s is famous for its larger than you could possibly eat truck stop portions. About five minutes into our second drink our waiter arrived with our order. The nachos were piled six inches high with a thick coating of chili, cheese and tomatoes and the plate was the size of a turkey platter. I kid you not, the size of a turkey platter. This platter was so big it took up almost the whole table. Now if you have ever had nachos before you know that extra stuff like sour cream and jalapeno peppers come in those little plastic condiments and they sit on the side of the plate, while not at Sammy’s, they come in soup bowls and sit on the table.

Right about now I can hear you thinking to yourself, “Oh no she didn’t.” Well I did. You see, when you’re drinking ( alcoholic beverage extra spicy Caesars) and you’re talking and you’re not paying attention, you don’t realize how fast a soup bowl full of jalapeno peppers can disappear, especially when you put one on every friggen nacho that you eat.

Well let me tell you I woke up at 4:52 this morning with someone screaming at me, you are not going to believe this but…. it was my bum. It was saying, “GET UP, YOU IDIOT, YOU’RE GONNA CRAP YOUR DRAWERS!”

So naturally I got up, because when you’re bum speaks to you in the wee hours of the morning, you do what it tells you to do, when it tells you to do it. So, I sprang from my bed, ran to the washroom as quick as I could without losing anything, whipped down my PJ bottoms and just as my backside hit the cold toilet seat my bowels let loose. Now, don’t be thinking to yourself that I was lucky or that it was a happy relieving moment, because it wasn’t.

Let me set a picture for you. You know when you walk outside on a cold winter’s day and everything is crisp, clear and fresh with the scent of new fallen snow.

You’re walking along merry as can be then stop suddenly, because the person that walked before you had a larger than life dog and they let it crap on the sidewalk. There is so much crap, the fallen snow is stained brown in a three-foot radius and the poop is smoking. You have to plug your nose and walk on the road just to get around the big pile of smoking poop.

Well, I am sitting on the cold toilet seat and the poop is coming out of me in bucketful, I am serious, bucketful and its smoking, just like dog poop on a cold winter’s day.

Not only is it smoking, but it’s burning too. You think a couple of jalapeno peppers is hot going in, well trust me on this one, a more than you could possibly eat, truck stop, soup bowl portion full of jalapeno peppers is so hot coming out, I could have fried bacon on my backside this morning.

Now two hours later of running back and forth from the toilet to my computer, so I can bring this story to you, I have gone through a full roll of cushion soft toilet paper (cushiony soft, my a--.) My bum cheeks are rubbed raw and every step I take little puffs of gas and smoke trail behind me. Thank goodness my toilet seat isn’t made of wood; I surely would have set myself on fire by now. Could you just see the headline in tomorrow’s paper?

“WOMAN IS RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER HER BUTT CATCHES FIRE.”

Finally, I think I have a small reprieve, because my butt has stopped talking to me. Not by choice I am sure -- But because it’s too puffy and puckered to speak.

Now three hours later (This is how long it has taken me to write this) I have started running to the toilet again. You will never believe what’s coming out now; gas, smoke, poop and hot jalapeno juice.

HOT JALAPENO JUICE! That’s right folks, if you thought the agony of all of those larger then you could possibly eat truck stop portion of jalapeno peppers ground up in the poop was bad enough, try pure jalapeno juice on a puffy and puckered butt hole. Someone just shoot me now. I can barely sit down it’s so sore and puffy. When I do sit, I can only sit on my left cheek, because it hurts too much to sit normally. Do you know how hard it is to sit on a toilet seat on one cheek, and try to poop, it’s damn near impossible? Thank goodness the sink is right beside the toilet, I’ve been using it as a support, so I don’t fall off.

Now that my butt is too puffy and puckered to speak to me, I hear someone else screaming at me, it’s my stomach. It’s saying, “YOU IDIOT! NOW NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE A PUFFY AND PUCKERED BUTT HOLE YOU GOT GUT ROT TOO KID AND YOU HAVE A NINE HOUR SHIFT AT WORK!

If I could be anyone else but me today, I would be.

I guess the moral or warning of this story is this. Don’t go to Sammy’s and order the larger than you could possible eat turkey platter full of chili nachos and a side order of a soup bowl full of jalapeno peppers, eat most of the peppers and expect to have an easy go of it the next day, it’s not going to happen.

Oh yeah and I almost forgot; jalapeno peppers are not like corn kernels; they don’t come out whole. Your stomach is actually able to process and make them into a molten lava paste and juice residue that turns your poop into little elongated fireballs that smoke.

Send this warning to all that you love or not; right now, I am too exhausted and dehydrated to care what you do.