Mr. Will Smith & The Penis Joke
So, recently I was at an early morning Hollywood Celebrity Banquet; I know right, but not as exciting as you might think, I was working in the kitchen. The event had pretty much wrapped up, and I was cleaning up the last of the dishes. I heard someone enter the kitchen and ask for a drink of water. When I turned around, I nearly dropped the glass I was holding, because standing in front of me, was
Mr. Will Smith. No word of a lie, he was in the flesh, looking divinely handsome in a black suit, white shirt and tie. I smiled and giggled like a little school girl, and then blurted out, “I’m a comedy writer.”
Mr. Will Smith looked at me curiously for a minute. “Funny enough,” he said, “I’m a comedian.”
“Yes, yes, I know,” I said and giggled again. “Sorry, I know you probably get this all the time, but can I tell you one of my jokes?”
Mr. Will Smith gave me a, ‘Oh-no-not-another-wanna-be-stand-up-comedian-wanting-to-tell-me-a-joke,’ look. However, and I don’t know why he did it; perhaps it was the expression of pure excitement on my face at the chance of not just seeing him in person, but talking to him too that made him nod and say, ‘Sure.’
So the first joke that came to my mind was the first joke I ever wrote; a penis joke. Perhaps not the best joke to tell a celebrity of Mr. Will Smith’s caliber, but I was awestruck and a little nervous.
“I have five kids,” I started to say.
“Do you really have five kids?” He asked, interrupting my joke.
“Yes,” I said.
Well, you are not going to believe what happened next, Mr. Will Smith gave me a slow, head-to-toe-and-back-up-again-once-over. And not in a creepy leering way, but it was an appreciative glance. Now that should have made me swoon, but all I was thinking was that I may never get a chance like this again, so I continued to tell my joke; there would be time to swoon later.
“They were immaculate conceptions all five times,” I continued, then paused for him to digest what I said. I got the “questioningly” look I was hoping for, and delivered my punch line with gusto.
“It’s true,” I said, “They had to be a gift from God, because how could my EX pack that much ammo into two inches.”
Funny right; well Mr. Will Smith didn’t think it was funny. So instead of backing away quietly with my tail between my legs and getting the man the glass of water he asked for, I once again blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.
“Well, I am not a stand-up comedian, I just write the jokes.”
Mr. Will Smith just looked at me blankly. Not daunted by his lack of reaction, I broke into the first line of my, “If there were no men in the world” jokes. I was desperate for the accolade that I made Will Smith laugh.
“If there were no men in the world, as far as the eye could see there would be fields and fields of cucumbers.”
And wouldn’t you know it, just as I was gesturing, with my fingers, the length of a cucumber from 3 to 6 to 9 inches long, I hear the “Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo,” sound that my cell phone makes whenever I get a text message. Seriously, the phone hadn’t gone off the whole time I had been cleaning the dishes, but just as I am on the brink of connecting with Mr. Will Smith through comedy, I get a text.
I sighed heavily as I watched Mr. Will Smith fade into the background, realizing it had just been a dream. I opened my eyes, rolled over and picked up the damn cell phone off the night stand next to my bed -- it was 6:29 in the morning, and my sister Brenda was texting me.
“Morning, sometime today can you open the gazebo box and look at the instructions to see what is suggested for ground installation and what tools might be needed and let me know. Thanks.
“grrrrrrr….I was telling my, “If there were no men in the world” jokes to Will Smith….your text woke me before I could see if he laughed or not :(“
“Yes I will check out the gazebo instructions….not as exciting however as telling Will Smith my jokes.
Oh, I’m sorry, if I don’t get my shit together before work then it doesn’t get done. 4 days to the real start of summer. Sorry again. If you see him again, say hi to Will for me.
LOLOLOL….yes I will do that….it won’t be today…I can’t get back to sleep now….you have given me fodder for my next blog. Thanks Sista :)
So Mr. Will Smith, if you would like to hear the rest of my, “If there were no men in the world’ jokes, (in reality) I am available for breakfast, lunch or a dinner meeting -- which ever you prefer is fine with me, just as long as I don’t have to do the dishes. Oh yes, and before I forget, my sister Brenda says hi.